This week I had a lot on my mind, but I didn’t really think about the impact of any of it on my family. That was selfish.
Until last night as I was putting my daughter to bed, we started to have one of our “private” conversations. She’s very into our alone chats lately. As she nears the double digits (she’s turning 10 soon), I sense more of a need for this time together. I realized I hadn’t been in the moment often enough for her this week and had neglected to have these conversations as often as I should have.
And earlier this afternoon when I picked her and her brother up at school, both had a play date and we all came home happily. But as soon as we walked through the door, he decided he was too tired to play with his friend. I had to suddenly deal with a situation that I was not prepared for. But perhaps there had been signs this morning or the day before that he would be too tired and I had missed every single one.
I felt like a failure.
I had been caught up in my own world and had not tended to my children’s needs. Too many things had fallen through the cracks.
That is something I try so hard not to do.
But I let them down.
I was pre-occupied and not fully in the moment.
This weekend I’m not planning anything other than being here with them. I’m going to run from basketball to the purim carnival to friend’s houses with complete pleasure. I’m going to try stay offline as much as I can, too, and stay focused on what’s important. Them.
I can’t fall. And I can’t let their lives fall through the cracks. Not ever.
My son’s teacher came up to me after school today and told me how terrific and how much older he looks. It filled me with pride but it also made me realize something important.
These days are short. Whatever happens in my life is not nearly as important as what happens in their lives. I want them to grow up to be amazing and fierce. I want them to remember me as a mother who supports and loves them, not one who’s stressed out all the time. After all, they are my priority and I know that my own demons will catch up with them one day if I’m not careful. I want to be remembered as the mom who could, not the mom who didn’t.
I totally hear you on this, Holly. It is really tough to deal with life outside while also being 100% mom, which on itself is an all-encompassing job. There’s also guilt attached no matter what you do. Finding balance is a day to day struggle.
Oh Holly, this is a battle I constantly feel like I’ve lost of late. There is not enough of me for the preschooler, the high schooler, the elementary and the middle schooler, all with friend’s parties in different cities at the same times. There’s the husband who wants to have a real conversation and the cat who wants to be fed and the laundry that’s a week past needing to be washed. Here I sit unshowered, trying to squeeze it all in and remember to be present at the same time. I want to cry. I’ll never succeed. It’s impossible! So yes, I agree, it is so hard. It’s why I look forward to traveling with my kids this summer. Maybe away from home we can take a moment to really be together without all the distractions.
Holly,
You are an amazing woman, friend, and mom. Just the fact that you recognize and acknowledge this means you are doing the right thing. So proud to be your friend.
Estelle
I feel ya, Holly. I feel like I blink and they’re gone. I’d disagree, though, that “Whatever happens in my life is not nearly as important as what happens in their lives.” I’d give yourself at least equal footing. After all, they may be growing up, but you’re growing, too, and you matter.
xoxo
The name of the Play in May. Very Good advice.