“Mommy, does Santa Claus die?”
“Mommy, if you get stabbed by a light saber will you die?”
“Mommy, what happens to your eyes when you die?”
My 4-year old son has been lobbing these and other complex questions at me for about 6 months now. It all began innocently enough, with the introduction of one of my favorite books from childhood: Babar. Yes, Babar. Perhaps you will remember that Babar’s mother gets shot by a “wicked hunter” on page 3. Did you remember that? I didn’t. Well, that one incident opened up a line of questioning I wasn’t quite prepared to answer.
When our children are curious about things, and ask thoughtful questions, my husband and I always do our best to give them the respect of a real answer. But how much is too much, I often wonder. In our home we also feel, although we are not religious, that it is important to give our kids a sense of something larger than mommy and daddy, something that they can hold on to if they are confused or scared. So, talking about death and dying with our children is complicated by my wanting to also share my beliefs concerning our souls and God. Just to make it more confusing, I am often concerned as to whether giving them too much information might, instead, make them worry about whether people they love might die.
In December, my 39-year-old husband had a heart attack. I almost wrote “unexpected heart attack”, but when do you ever expect them? He spent a week in the hospital, had a blood clot removed and then two stents inserted into his arteries. Suddenly I realized how terribly unprepared I was for the unthinkable if it had actually happened. Discussing death with my children in concept wasn’t so tough after all; talking about it when it really means something to you is a different story entirely.
“Mommy, is Daddy coming home?”
“Mommy, what is a blood clot?”
“Mommy, when you die, does your spirit go to heaven?”
Given the age of our children, I knew I had to give them information in terms they could understand and allow them to ask as many questions as they needed to. I simply said Daddy was sick; he went to the hospital because he had a boo-boo on his heart. When they called their father in the hospital to ask what kind of boo-boo his heart had, he gave them the simplest explanation of what a blood clot is. His answer that it made the blood stop getting to daddy’s heart, like a plug in a drain, was immediately understood.
Even though I didn’t express the idea that Daddy could have died, and although I tried to keep things as normal as possible, our children knew something was different. Our son, as is his general way, asked lots and lots of questions. He seemed quieter, more thoughtful and spent lots of time telling me he loved me “really much”. Our daughter became much more clingy. Suddenly, she found everything in her room frightening. The bedtime routine dragged on interminably as she tried to get someone to stay and watch her all night. Even her bed was now “scary” and she decided she had to sleep, curled up like a cat, on the foot of her brother’s bed.
This unexpected reminder that nothing in life is guaranteed, changed a number of things in our house after Daddy came home. My husband and I are making a greater effort to model a healthy lifestyle by eating more vegetarian meals and doing more activities with the kids that involve actually moving our bodies. My initial response to this crisis was extreme anxiety and an uncharacteristic wish to draw my family in close in order to protect them. But hovering, nervously, over everyone wasn’t a healthy way to live. As time passed, I remembered the importance of allowing our children to experience their lives in a full and rich way, without interference from a mom worrying about death and dying. We have no way of knowing how many todays we actually have; I don’t want us to waste any of them being fearful.
Gina Osher is the author of the popular blog, The Twin Coach, where she writes on varied parenting topics such as finding the meaning of life in Halloween Candy to advice for sibling rivalry to finding more joy in parenting. Whether you have twins or singletons, if you’re trying to be the best parent you can be, you can relate! You can also find Gina spending too much time on Facebook and Twitter.
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Thank you so much, Wendy. I don’t think I posted that much on Facebook & Twitter as it was quite personal – so please don’t feel bad! Of course, not too personal to blog about. LOL! Thank you so much for your kind words & thank you for telling me I handled it well….thank goodness it all seemed to work out well.
So sorry to hear about your own husband’s health scare – it really does shake things up, doesn’t it? Here’s to good health for us all!
Be well,
Gina
Gina,
Oh my gosh! Here I have been interacting with you on facebook and twitter and I had absolutely NO IDEA that this had happened in your life in December. I’m so sorry you all had to go through this.
We dealt with a health scare with my hubby when my kids were little and I recall those evenings with the two youngest in puddles on my lap asking, “When is Daddy coming home?” “Is Daddy coming home?”, “What if Daddy doesn’t get better?”, “Can Daddy die?”, etc.
You answered your kids perfectly and with so much love and compassion! They are lucky to have you. I hope all is going well right now and am wishing your hubby continued health!
All the best,
Wendy @Kidlutions
Thank you all for your wonderful notes. I am so honored that you were touched by this post.
Erin, I do find just being honest (even if what you say is that you aren’t sure of the answer) is the best way to handle any questions from kids. This morning my 4-year old daughter asked “where do you get babies”. Ack! That’s one I’m not prepared for! LOL!
Word of Mouth, I hope your dad is OK! Even at 65 it is scary when someone has to deal with something like heart surgery! And that’s a hard thing to handle when your partner’s beliefs are so different. I”m with you – I feel as though there HAS to be a purpose!
Galit, thank you so much for your lovely note. I appreciate the support!
Kelly, I am so glad you were able to move past your death “obsession”. That does sound like an exhausting way to live. And I”m glad my most touched you. 🙂
Thank you all for the beautiful notes! And thank you, Holly, for letting me post here.
xo
Gina
That was beautiful! I love how you said that you don’t want to waste the limited number of days we may have on this earth in fear. That is not how we are supposed to live. I’m going to go this day forward and strive not to live in fear. When I was younger, I would pray for every single person I knew each and every night. I’d pray that they wouldn’t die. I was obsessed. I was also obsessed with suffering in a fire and would sleep with a bag of all of my valuables (that I could fit in the bag, of course), so that if I had to run out, I’d have all of my stuff with me. Truly, being afraid is no fun. Thanks for this post!
This is gorgeous, thoughtful, and thought provoking.
I appreciate the honesty and discretion that you use when speaking with your children, when you’re teaching them.
Thank you so very much for sharing this!
Great post and actually my Dad had that surgery last week – but he is 65!
But yes, the questions and here I find it difficult because my husband is an atheist of the when you are gone, you are gone … I am not.
I have to believe that there is a purpose to all of this and how could I raise these wonderful kids and then there be – nothing?
ACK – men 😉
Awesome post! My five year old is starting to ask questions like this, and I am trying to deal with it the same way you are. It’s so tricky . . .
Thank you so much for your comments, everyone. I really appreciate the feedback. It was a very tough time and thankfully we are all OK. I agree with you, rockstarmomlv, “little sips” of information is the best way to go! I have noticed that when something like this happens it puts life into perspective, but the hard part is keeping that perspective as time goes by!
Thanks for sharing. This is such a difficult topic to discuss with your children, especially when it does hit close to home. I think you’re right though, honesty, as much as we can give them, is the best policy. As they get older, they are more mentally mature and prepared to deal with the reality and the heaviness of death. Little sips…
Wonderful piece. Such great news that your husband is ok and you’re able to talk to your children and reassure them. Great advice for other parents, too.
That is such a great post. It’s good to have that reminder that anything can happen, at any time and we shouldn’t take any day for granted. It is scary and frightening not only for children but for everyone involved. I hope everyone is doing much better now and that the fear and anxiety is subsiding.